Losing And Winning
by DangerousDreams
Summary: Kyouya's afraid to lose her to Tamaki.  And he thought he was doing this for merit, but he's not.  Ridiculously long AN at the end, I apologize.  Rated T for language and the beachhouse scene XD


A/N: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club. If I did… Well I probably wouldn't have changed that much to be honest . Except perhaps a bit more KyouHaru moments XD

He may have won that time.

But there would be others.

~000~

If Kyouya were to be completely and unashamedly honest [which he never was, but for the sake of argument let us say that he was deciding to be just for now] with himself, he would have to grudgingly admit that he wasn't sure what would have happened in that darkened room.

Because putting aside any silly notions of _feelings_, there was also the fact that he was a young man, and she was a young woman. He was half-undressed, she was in an alluring nightgown. They were on a bed, and there was more than a hint in the air of pent-up sexual tension, especially when he threw her down onto the sheets.

Of course, his main, original goal had been to teach her. He didn't want to have to experience again that sickening jolt of panic that had tracked through his veins when he saw the delinquents confronting her. He was terrified for her, and Tamaki acted first, as he always did. But what worried Kyouya almost as much was the fact that someone had affected him that much. Did he really care that much about somebody else, with no regard for how it would profit him? Was he really letting someone become more than an object, a thing for profit? And that desperation, that slightly panicked question, partially fueled him as he flung her down.

And she needed to be taught that sometimes, no matter how many times you claim that men and women are equal, the world's not fair, and they aren't equal. It was part of nature, and it couldn't be stopped. Better she learn this now, from him, than later in life, in a traumatic way.

And that was his intention, honestly. It was completely, purely, wanting to show her what she'd done and what she needed to change.

But then, suddenly, with her underneath him, looking up at him with her widened eyes, he almost lost control. Almost. It was a combination of the fact that she was attractive, and under him, and the fact that what had happened that day had made his adrenaline rush, and he didn't want to lose her. He didn't want to let her go. And he so badly wanted to kiss her, to hold her, that he knew if he didn't pull back soon he would.

So when she said, "You wouldn't gain anything from it," he took the excuse to get off of her gladly. It was fast becoming a dangerous situation, one that was spiraling out of his meticulously held control.

And so he didn't mind so much that she could see right through him, that she knew exactly what it was he was teaching her. Of course, she was too much of a good person, and too modest, to realize his other motives.

But for once he wanted someone to see through him. He _wanted _her to know him, and just that fact scared him. He was really shocking himself today. And when she smiled at him like that, he knew that he would have definitely lost control. He would have kissed her, would have wanted to do more, much more, than that, and he was wildly in love with her. And it may have taken up until that moment for him to admit it to himself, but he knew that he had loved her almost since she'd first walked into the third music room.

And he was desperate to tell her, and his mouth opened, betraying him, wanting to tell her, when suddenly Tamaki's face flashed into his mind. His best friend. And of how Tamaki would feel if Kyouya did this, told her, or continued what he'd started on the bed, or even flirted with the possibility that she could possibly be hurt. And even if she returned his feelings, even then, he knew something wouldn't be right. For one, she deserved better than him, him who would betray his best friend, who was stupid enough to be undeniably attracted to her, to be in love with her. He was one who belonged as a side character, as a shadow, as a prop. Tamaki obviously had feelings for her too, and he would belong with her much better. He'd always be nice to her, he'd never break her heart, and even though Kyouya did not want to either, he knew it was inevitable that he would. And that was inexcusable. It was inexcusable that he'd even think there was a possibility of them, of him and Haruhi, of finally acting on his feelings.

He put his glasses back on, put the mask back on. He couldn't believe he had come that close to admitting that. To setting himself up for something that he wasn't sure of the outcome of. To telling, showing someone that he cared for them. To opening up to someone. To breaking the carefully built family of the host club.

He stood up. It was over, he wouldn't tell her of any foolish feelings like "love" he felt for her. There was no merit to that. He wanted her to leave immediately. The effect she was having on him was unwelcome. And he repeated that in his head again and again, and when she said, "You played the villain to teach me, right Kyouya-senpai?" he repeated it extra loudly in his mind, and was about to ask her to leave.

But the door opened and Tamaki burst in.

And as Kyouya left, he felt something in his heart break.

He was slowly losing his composure.

The sensible part of him was glad Tamaki had come in when he had, because Kyouya was a little unsure of what could have happened between him and Haruhi.

The small part of him that held emotion was disappointed. He wanted to tell her how he felt, and damn the consequences. Slowly, this urge to tell her built up as he walked swiftly down the hallway, until it made his heart beat loudly in his ears, and he was walking so fast it was almost a jog, and his hands were clenched into fists.

"Damn!" He pounded a fist into the wall next to him. His eyes were screwed shut. He was furious, with himself for letting the opportunity get away, for wanting to kiss her, for falling in love with her; with Tamaki for being Tamaki and charming the girl, for coming in at a good time, for being able to show his worry so that she could see he was worried; and this resentment was burning him up. It wasn't _fair._

He opened his eyes in shock. That was surprising. [Although by now he'd surprised himself so many times that night it almost was expected.]* It wasn't _fair_? Really? Did he really just think that?

Of course, everything _was_ counting against him. Tamaki was the charmer, the Frenchman, the one who was there for her. Kyouya was cold and distant. And Tamaki already had moments with her going for him, moments like when he found her wallet [yes, Kyouya knew about that. Did you really think he wouldn't? He knows ALL], or when he leaped into the sea after her. What if those had been Kyouya? Would she fall in love with him then?

Oh well, nothing could be changed about the past. He sighed. Although he was sure he could have just as many moments with her. He'd just have to spend more time with her, and the statistical probability was that she would give him a chance. And having to spend more time with her wasn't exactly a horrifying prospect.

Thunder rumbled in the distance. His eyes widened. He remembered immediately something Ranka-san had mentioned once. Something about Haruhi being afraid of thunder when she was little. Ranka had quickly said, "But the fear's probably gone now that she's older. She's so brave~" Kyouya had asked quizzically, "Probably? You don't know for sure?" Ranka had paused and with a wistful tinge of sadness said, "Yes, well, I'm usually not home during storms anymore, but I'm assuming that she's not afraid anymore."

_Maybe she just doesn't want anyone to see that she's afraid_, he thought. Without thinking about it, he turned to run back towards his room. She was probably terrified, all alone… Suddenly he stopped, with a feeling like being punched in the gut. Of course, she wasn't alone. Tamaki was there with her.

Tamaki was there with her.

Fuck.

He'd lost. He sank to the floor, hitting his head repeatedly against the wall with soft thunks. Of course it'd be Tamaki who would comfort her, who would know this fear of hers, who would be there for her.

The situation was out of Kyouya's control, and there was nothing he could do about it.

And then with a sadistic grin that was much more in his character, he got up, to get the others. He didn't want Tamaki and Haruhi to have another moment, and if they were, he wanted to stop it as soon as he could. And he knew that gathering the rest of the hosts would quickly bring the moment to a screeching halt. And besides that, there was something that majorly irked him about Tamaki being with Haruhi, in _Kyouya's _room, where Kyouya had moments before realized he'd fallen for her.

And with that all in mind, he strode purposefully back to the others, sinister smile back in place, composure completely returned.

He may have won that time.

But there would be others.

*I just realized how crazy that sentence made me sound.

A/N: Kyouya so wants her :3

So I got really depressed while writing this. I want them to have a happy ending~

I feel like the tenses got a little screwed up at some points… What a shock. And Kyouya may be OOC, but I'd just like to kindly and timidly remind you that maybe it's because this is all his thoughts? And no matter how guarded you are on the outside, you still can't stop yourself from thinking…? Is he still OOC even though he's thinking? Damn. *sigh*

So actually, I wanted it to be more like Kyouya was about to kiss her, to take it one step further [lol me and my dirty mind], to tell her, when Tamaki came in, but Kyouya being Kyouya changed it so he was kind of angsting when Tamaki came in T.T

Also, I feel like I said "control" too much in this fic. *sigh* This is happening a lot more lately, especially with Ouran fics. I start out with one objective in mind, then what I'm thinking about abruptly changes. To be honest, I think it's just because of the characters of this series. Seriously, there's so much character analysis to be done with them. They are amazingly deep and complex. I especially like to study Kyouya's character, especially about him with and in contrast to Tamaki. Kyouya's just a wicked intensely interesting character. With the backstories and nonsense, for one, and also just the fact about how he views his world. I like to contrast him with the twins. Also Tamaki. Unfortunately, I seem to ignore the seniors =w=;; Mori's personality seems to get swallowed up by all the crazies around him, haha. Honey's an interesting character sometimes, in that he's very observant and sees everything that goes on, and how all the others feel. But he's still a rather childish person; it's not all a front put up for the girls. And there's so much symbolism in the series that I could have a massive field day with extended metaphors. I LOVE to toy with the "family" concept of the club. There's so much depth, and it's interesting to just think about the little moments, the little facets, and the little thoughts the characters might be having. I could go on for hours about this, but I don't want the AN to be longer than the actual fic =w=;;

Also, I was rereading this, looking for mistakes, checking story flow, etc etc, while listening to the soundtrack from RENT, and I was listening to the song "What You Own" and I was reading the part about Kyouya walking down the hallway really fast with his heart beating and his fists clenching and stuff right at that wicked part of the song where they're singing at the same time, and Mark's going, "Angel, I hear you, I hear you," and Roger's going, "Mimi, I see you, I see you" etc etc IT WAS EPIC.

Also I think I may want to possibly try to rewrite this as another chapter or a whole new fic, where Tamaki does not come in. Because for one, I really like writing romance scenes with these two. I don't know why; I usually shy away from kiss scenes [or anything more than kissing] but there's just something… _dangerous_… about this pairing. Something electric. I don't know~ And for another reason, I just really want him to tell her how he feels. And I honestly think that if Tamaki hadn't had that opportunity to comfort her, then maybe, just maybe, Kyouya would have had more of a chance with Haruhi. And putting aside all attraction and romantic feelings, there's still just the fact that she totally threw their world off its axis. So I might do another chapter.

If you read all this, you're officially awesome XD

Oh goodness I almost murdered my laptop. It randomly shut off right as I was in the middle of editing some stuff, and I thought it had deleted the entire thing [Which, BTW, I spent about three hours straight on O.o] and I was ready to severely injure something, but it turns out Word automatically saves stuff. I almost had a heart attack. Let this be a lesson. SAVE YOUR STUFF LIKE EVERY TWO SECONDS.

Anyway, I'd appreciate if you tell me what you thought. Good? Bad? Humiliating? Creepy? Repetitive? Stupid? *looks for more adjectives*


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